Finally, my shot at the guest entry!! First of all, allow me to thank C for graciously allowing her loyal readers to leave their marks on her pages :) Secondly, it's been a while since she opened up her diary for guest entries, and I've forgotten the instructions. But I do remember one of them saying "defining moment of your life", so I guess that's my option.
I'm gay. There. Typing that took no more stress than breathing or blinking. But it wasn't always that way for me. People usually "discover" themselves at a very early age. I wasn't really any different... except that I was stoutly in denial for the longest time. I was raised in a catholic family... a very catholic family... which I believe played a large role in burying myself deep inside the closet.
I've always felt attracted to guys. When I was 18 and the internet was all new (with 14.4kbps modems), I looked for gay porn most of the time. I fantasized about men. After each episode of "American Gladiators", I would lock myself in the bathroom, taking part in an imaginary orgy with all the male gladiators (Except for Viper, 'cos he had a bad attitude, and not in the sexy way either). It's mighty hilarious and embarrassing now that I look back at the pervert that I was. But the strange thing was, despite doing all those things, I still considered myself to be straight. In my mind, I drew a boundary between fantasy and reality, and I was "straight" in "reality". And there the twain shall ever meet.
All that changed when I moved out on my own to California. I remember my first time in a gay bar... gawd, it was humiliating. I didn't know anybody, nor was I really there to meet anyone. I was just there to gawk and ogle at a room full of gorgeous guys, something that I had never seen before (in real life outside of porn, that is). Just so that I won't look pathetic to be at a bar by myself, I would occasionally take out my cell phone and pretend that I'm on the phone with someone who's supposedly late. Good thing that my phone never actually rang while I was doing that! (Gawd... was that sad or what?)
One night as I drove home from a weekend ogling session, I asked myself a very obvious question that I'd been avoiding for over 20 years: If I wasn't gay, what was I doing out at a gay bar ogling at its patrons? It's certainly not a phase... it had already been over 20 years. My religion was the biggest thing holding me back from being "decadent". However, that night, I asked myself a question that I couldn't answer...
"If I'm not supposed to be attracted to men, and if God is so almighty and so perfect, why would he make me out to feel this way?"
I can't help that I'm attracted to men. For people who don't understand homosexual attraction, all you have to do is ask yourself next time you see an attractive member of the opposite sex: Can you help being attracted to him/her? If you're a guy, can you stop blood from rushing to your penis at the sight of something that's naturally arousing to you? Of course not. It's not a choice. It comes as naturally to you as letting a fart loose.
Why would God create an ant that walks on Earth... only to be smashed by an unsuspecting human being walking over it? Why would God create newly born babies with major organ problems that all they do in their short 30 minutes of life on Earth is gasp for air, feel pain all over, and die? If being gay is "wrong", why would he make me, complete with all these emotions and feelings of attraction that are beyond my conscious control? And above all, why would God create us with all our humanly desires and tendencies, and order us NOT to follow those feelings or else he would send us to hell?? What, is he a sadistic bastard? Aren't we all supposed to be His children? If he didn't want us living that way, then why did he build us this way in the first place??
It was pretty much then that I stopped doing what was right, and started doing what felt right. After the first time I had ever kissed a man, after the first time I've had sex with a man... and after the first time I fell in love with a man... I felt as if I had been driving through my life so far with only one headlight on, and the other one just suddenly switched itself on. I felt complete... I felt at peace with myself... and above all, I felt free.
And that's probably the biggest defining moment in my life so far: Introducing me to myself.
As for religion, the way I see it... if there is no God, then there's absolutely nothing that can go wrong after I die. And if there is a God... then well, I'm sure he'll understand that all I'm doing is living my life just the way He intelligently designed for me to live.
You wouldn't possibly suggest that He actually made a mistake when he made gay people, right? *shock*horror*gasp* You blasphemer!!