3 bangs
1:24 p.m. on February 07, 2005

My birthday weekend started out with a BANG! 3 bangs, actually. The first bang occurred when I rear-ended some poor driver on my way home from work on Friday. I rammed him with the full force of my tank of a car at 25 miles an hour. I tried to stop, but it was just after a rain and my breaks locked. There was that one second of expecting to stop, but not stopping and then BANG! There was a man driving the car I crashed in to and his hands flew up to his head and stayed there; I thought I had killed him. I had never been in an accident before and became frenzied: ďOH MY GOD!!! ARE YOU OK?! DID THAT SCARE YOU!? IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME! OH MY GOD!!! I RAMMED RIGHT INTO YOU! EEEEEEEE!Ē Luckily he was driving a Saturn, which is made of that unworldly material that is impossible to dent. I gave him my insurance info in case his head fell off over the weekend and I laughed and cried the rest of the drive home.

The second bang was from Sasha; a lovely birthday snogging. Afterwards, while I was drifting off into post-coital slumber, the 3rd bang occurred. At first I thought it was a bomb, but when I heard the rain crashing, I realized it was thunder and a cloud bursting; very unusual for February. I jumped to the window and saw that the sky was an eerie orange glow and was pouring hail. In just that few seconds, the neighborhood was covered in white ice. I exclaimed, but Sasha was sound asleep. I love a good storm, so I went to run outside to get a better look when I realized I was nude, so I slung a blanket over my shoulders. I stood outside, protected by the eve of the house and enjoyed the spectacle. The dime sized hail continued to sheet down and was really piling up. I stuck my hand out and caught several icy pebbles, when suddenly the sky lit up and a bolt of lightning streaked in front of my eyes, sucking out my breath. Thunder immediately followed and I had never heard a louder boom; maybe what a car bomb would sound like. The house shook with the uproar and rumbled for a good 20 seconds. This happened at exactly midnight, the very beginning of my actual birthday. I thought for a moment that this sudden and bizarre storm was my Momís gift to me; her way of saying hello from the heavens. I then realized I was holding on to the screen door, which may or may not have been the perfect conductor. I let go and ran back inside. I figured that the storm must have for certain awoken Sasha, so I ran back to the bedroom to share my excitement, but he was amazingly still sound asleep. I began yelling his name and he stirred for a second, but did not wake up. This is when I realized that I could be getting murdered with a thousand shotgun blasts and he would sleep through the whole thing. There was at least 2 inches of hail on the ground and most of it was still there in the morning, so I just let Sasha believe that it actually snowed that night, even though it was 50 degrees.

That night we went bowling with good friends and came back to our place afterwards for some poker. It was a fun night and a swell weekend overall. I had the ideal Sunday of doing absolutely nothing, a perfect finisher.

I am old, but I do not feel it. I feel 12. I still chew bubble gum, so I can blow large annoying bubbles; I still play board games and Frisbee; I still laugh when somebody farts or falls down and I still love gumball machines. There were cool ones at the bowling that had sticky organs. Thatís right, small human organs made to feel all sticky and gross. I got a brain and a kidney and they splatted perfectly when we threw them against the freshly painted white wall and left realistic blood smears.





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