I AM A DORK
5:12 p.m. on August 15, 2005

Today I went to the dentist to have a deep cleaning done. The kind of deep cleaning where they dig around in your gums and scrape tarter down to the bone, so they have to numb up your mouth to keep the pain down to a minimum. They have yet to improve upon the Novocain shots, so I had to mentally leave my body while they shot up my mouth. I find it sort of ironic, the stuff they give you so you don’t feel the pain of the procedure, hurts like a mofo.

My Hygienist is chatty, so I got to hear about her ex-husband and her yoga class while she scraped and dug and scraped.

I recently wrote about getting my tooth pulled. I am soon to get reconstruction work done, but until then, I have been wearing a flipper on the bottom of my mouth. A flipper is like a retainer, but it has a tooth sticking out of it that smartly matches the one missing so I can still appear like I have a full head of teeth.

Anyway, when she was finally all done with the right side of my face after 90 minutes, I was so ready to get the hell out of there. She gave me back my flipper and I had trouble putting it back in at first. I wondered if she changed the terrain of my teeth with all her scraping, but I was able to finally jam it back in, although it felt a little odd.

The Hygienist asked me if I wanted a toothbrush and I told her I wanted one of the funky fresh kind meant for little kids. She handed me a multi-colored toothbrush that looked like a dragon and when I looked at her to thank her, she gasped and put her tongue out the right side of her mouth. I mirrored her and stuck my tongue out the left side of my mouth. She began gesturing and frantically muttering: “your thing is stuck, it stuck!!” I had no idea what she was talking about and then I finally felt that the right side of my bottom lip was curled up inside my mouth and stuck there. I was so numb, I could not figure out what was happening, it was the weirdest thing. I started to freak out, & this lady was also freaking out and unable to explain herself. She finally conveyed that my lip was stuck under my flipper. I had forcibly crammed it in so hard that I could not pry my lip out and the flipper was also stuck. I started to hysterically laugh, because what a bonehead move, but I was freaked, too, because I could not get it out. I finally yanked my lip out to a horror show of blood and blisters. I knew I would feel that one later.

The Hygienist felt so bad, she gave me a complimentary tube of bubble gum flavored fluoride gel and a wad of gauze and sent me on my way.





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