Diary of my youth
1:01 p.m. on April 01, 2005

Yeah, so the only other time I kept a diary was when I was 18 – 19 years old. It is a little weird and embarrassing to re-read it and see all the things I was just figuring out about the world and myself. It covers a lot of ground of leaving home for the first time, falling in love, losing my virginity, exploring my sexuality, getting my heart busted, supporting myself and creating my own identity. Remember, this was written half a life ago, so please be nice.

Here are some snippets:

September 3, 1988

-I am not anywhere in life yet, except that I am out of Ukiah living in Queens, NY for the time being. I am in love with Sam and love living here with him. I am not yet in college and I have a shit job at the puke market. I do have a cool family, a lot of great friends and some OK opportunities. At this point I could do anything with my life, all directions are open. Everything is a learning experience. I can learn anything at any time. Wow.

-The start of my journal sucks shit. Since I am nowhere in life at the start of the journal, let’s see where I am by the end of it. Ooh fun.

-Creativity is the key to my own survival, if I can find new and exciting ways to be creative, than I can live another day.

-I used to think that when we die, we just rot: death, that’s it. Nothing more. Then it occurred to me that we leave our body when we can no longer handle being in it. There is more to us than flesh and bone. There is a whole other world, reality, and dimension…

-I like the idea of two people being together sexually. Sharing electrical currents that pulsate throughout their bodies. Two people so highly attracted to one another; co-mingling warmth creates the strongest form of energy.

-Some people give out an energy that attracts misfortune.

- CHARACTER STUDY: VINNY (I wrote this about someone I worked with at the time. I included it because I thought it was funny. What the hell did I know?)

Vinny is a butcher at the Puke Market. I feel he wants to be a butcher because it is safe. He fantasizes about being a musician or an artist, but will never be either because of the risks involved. He cares about life as much as he has to and feels the way he should about most things. He plays word games, but he cannot spell.

Vinny could perfectly be a homosexual and would probably be if he was not such a butcher. His stance is feminine with girlish facial twitches. I think he is sexually confused caused by a mother complex and the masculine image created by the chopping up of flesh. He covers up any homosexual tendencies by being crude and using obscenities.

October 10, 1988

Oh no, my brain takes over and totally makes life hard to take. Please do not let this situation be hopeless for any further advancement. I am making myself totally sorrowful just by thinking and pressing negativity into my tiny brain.

I am in love
With this song

Life is fucking with me big time.

November 21, 1988

Life has gone and done it to me again. Here I am just as before, alone with despair. My own self-pity is not even good company anymore. Sam just was not it in life, my life that is. Sail Away. He does not want me any more.

November 23, 1988

I am on the big plane flying farther and farther away from my Sam. It wasn’t as hard to leave him as I thought, but I really wish I did not have to. My heart is busted, but still beating. I will never find another Sam. I can’t believe I am gone. I can’t believe how much I have gone through. On top of all the pain and torture, I experienced a five-minute bout of ecstasy last night. So that was ecstasy... There is really something about sex; the most beautiful boy I have ever seen in my entire life.

May 8, 1989

I am now living in San Francisco and have moved on to life’s other dilemmas. I am living in my sister’s apartment with her husband and their two kids. I am finishing my first semester at college and need to get a job so I can make money to get my own apartment with Jacki. I need to do this and make it work.

July 10, 1989

Things are looking up. I got a job and it is a good one. Things are going pretty well for me and I have more confidence than ever. My social life is only active with my Ukiah people, but with work beginning, that is subject to change.

-I am aware of my sexuality like all the shapes of the moon. I love a lot of things about life and want to make love to every little reality I discover in the back of busses. If only I could remember or just know the fucking words to describe the way it really is…if only I knew. I don’t think it really matters, but it is something to wish for. Stars and dreams and purpose…miniature bottles of Tabasco sauce…if only I could spell.

August 20, 1989

La la la. Here I am in my very first apartment and I am bored and lonely. My roommates are all out of town, so I am spending my first night alone. My roommates seem pretty cool. I hope they like me. I think Jacki & I will do OK living together. I love her a lot and I want to be able to keep a cool, positive atmosphere.

Diaries are a great bore. I cannot talk about my life creatively or intellectually. It is very uninteresting. If I died now, this surely would not be saved.

Space Holder. - February 12, 2012

BEAUTIFUL BOY - August 26, 2011

COUNTDOWN - July 13, 2011

SEXAY - June 16, 2011


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