HEAD NURSE
2:13 p.m. on April 14, 2008

The temperature on Saturday surprised us by shooting up 30 degrees to a hot 75. The sun was out and it was glorious. Not a single soul in Seattle was caught indoors that day. We lay about the grassy backyard all morning.

I took Finn over to my old boss, Judy’s house. I had not seen her for a few years and she wanted to meet the baby. As soon as I stepped into her home, I wished I wore slip on shoes and brought some slippers with me. She has a “no shoes” policy, which I hate yet totally respect. I never enjoy having to take my shoes off at other people’s houses, and yet I am fully aware of the nastiness that shoes can drag in to a place. My friend Scott has this same policy, but I knew about it ahead of time and would know to bring heavy socks or slippers so my feet would not get uncomfortable or cold. Judy herself was wearing house slippers, but had none to offer me, so I felt a little exposed in my gnarly black socks. Luckily it was our first warm day all year. Of course there was also no place to sit near her entryway, so taking off and then re-putting on my shoes was awkward and I almost fell over twice.

Later that night, I abandoned my baby and husband and went to a bachelorette/bridal shower. They called it a lingerie party, but no one was dressed in anything skimpy. We were to bring the bride some frilly nightwear, which I instantly questioned. Each guest bringing lingerie for the bride = a lot of lingerie. I am not a fan of gift theme parties. A few years ago I went to a bathroom themed shower and the bride ended up with 10 sets of towels.

Upon buying my gift for the bride, I thought it would be hilarious to get her a naughty nurse costume as a joke. You see, she is a nurse in real life and you are supposed to bring a gag gift to these kinds of things, right? I bought her a nice, silk, off-white, full length robe to counter-balance the nurse outfit.

I found the perfect one online that was made of a knock-off velvet material and came with a stethoscope, a collar with a red cross, and a nurse’s cap that shouted a double entendre: HEAD NURSE! I giggled the entire time I was ordering it, again when it arrived, and some more when I was wrapping.

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The second I stepped into the home of the shower hostess and was told to take off my shoes, I knew the costume would be a bust.

The crowd was pretty straight-lace, white bread and consisted mainly of new mothers like myself. There were no strippers (THANK GOD) or party favors (BOO) or much else beyond some cheese cake and port wine.

When it came time to open the gifts, mine was the very last and there was not a single joke gift that preceded it; no giant black dildo, nor tongue-in-cheek anal beads, neither penis earrings nor ball gags. The hot day made the condo sweltering and the stress of being judged for my classless gift made my armpits bubble.

Luckily my friend Aimee was in on the joke and made sure to laugh when the bride opened it. There was a smattering of snickers amongst the women, but the bride herself was damn near expressionless. I made her don the HEAD NURSE cap for a photo and her face burned red. I tried to cover up by pointing to the box containing the demure robe and saying too loudly: Here is your REAL gift.

My only saving grace was that it paled in comparison to card that was sent by a friend who could not attend that read: The secret to a perfect marriage is frequent blow jobs!





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