DO THE PUYALLUP
1:50 p.m. on September 25, 2006


We went to the State Fair this weekend. I had not been to a fair in forever, but it was just the same as the fair we had in our small town, only bigger. Same exact rides and games, just more. There is a paper mill in the area and for some reason, whatever they do to make paper, it smells like God laid a giant fart. The town is called Puyallup, pronounced Pew Al Up, but due to the smell you can also pronounce it P.U. Allup, or Poo allup. It is near Tacoma, so the smell is also referred to as the Tacoma Aroma.

It is a bit of a drive to get there, so of course we had to stop to pee along the way and somehow ended up at a Taxidermy slash gun store. They were nice enough to let us use their bathroom, but it was quite horrifying. Dead animal parts were everywhere, even in their little kitchen area next to the peanut butter.

We met our friends in the fairground who had already eaten Crusty Pups, which were homemade corndogs, fried deep. We had to get our own Crusty pups while our friends moved on to their second course, a funnel cake, which is like a donut fried flat with sugar piled on. The goal was to partake in the full fair experience, which involves eating as much weird junky food you can find.

After wandering the booths and seeing all the farm animals, produce, home show, and collector exhibits, we headed for more food. While my friends were getting burgers and cheese fries, I opted to try my very first elephant ear. An Elephant ear is deep fried dough smothered in butter and sugar that looks like an actual giant ear, but tastes sweeter.

We played the games trying to win the massive stuffed animals and mirrors with AC/DC painted on them. We rode some rides and drove the bumper cars like good little fair goers.

I paid $2 to have my signature read by a giant computer to tell me about my personality. It said I am adventurous, giving, playful & flirtatious. True, true, true and true. It also said I like to be in control at all times & that I do not let myself be intimidated by others. I donít need to be in control ALL the time and I am easily intimidated, but working on it.

I saw a sign that invited you to answer 2 questions to find out if you are going to heaven or not. For some reason I thought it would ask clever and random questions like: Would you kill a puppy in trade to get to your goal weight and stay there? (Answer: Yes!) Or maybe this situational question: There is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across George Bush struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would you use? (Answer: 1/500 sec). Instead, they asked me the less intelligent questions of: Do you think you are going to heaven? Why? Then they proceeded to read me the bible. I should have known it was a trick.

We saw lots of cows and bunnies, plus a reindeer, a kangaroo and a zebra. We also saw some farming experiments like crossing a zebra with a donkey and calling it a Zedonk.

On our way out of the fair six hours later, we stood in one more line to get Superwafflesundayconeswithbutterfingerchunks. Once home we realized we forgot to get a deep fried Twinkie or a deep fried snickers bar. Oh well, there is always next year.













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paleo neo