The worst thing in the world is when you have a cookie and you go to take a bite of it, but you can’t find it & then you realize that you must have eaten it already but do not remember.
When I am driving down the freeway and notice that I am approaching a hairy lump on the side of the road, why must I INSIST upon looking to see if it is in fact road kill? I always HAVE to get a really CLOSE look to determine what kind of poor animal was sacrificed to another vehicle just so I can loudly moan: “Oh NO! Poor Raccoon or skunk or opossum!” and have half my day tainted with the sad visual. The worst is when it is a domestic house cat; then the whole rest of my day is fucked. It would be better if I just ignored it & don’t even look, BUT I CAN’T!
I got caught gazing lustfully at some dude the other day. It was not his tight package that caught my attention or his wavy hair or the way he sauntered. What made me stare so lasciviously and caused the tiniest bit of drool to gather at the corner of my mouth was the fact that he was licking an ice cream cone. This sent me straight to the grocery store where I was thinking of getting some no fat no sugar ice cream fakery, but then I saw that DOVE now makes ice cream in pints and I am of the belief that you have to try new food products at least once. I got the mint ice cream with the dove chocolate chunks and when I opened it, I saw that the dove pint has a thick chocolate shell on the very top with their logo carved in it. You have to break through this top chocolate layer to get to the ice cream. Bravo, Dove. Bravo.
Can you tell I am on a diet?
Yesterday was crazy busy at work and we had one of our major investors here for a meeting. When the president of said company asked me if I could go pick them up some lunch, even though I was swamped with my important job, I said of course. She gave me her credit card and sent me off to a new placed on Lake Union called Joey’s. I could tell it was hoity toity right away, because they only had valet parking. I parked in the pay lot next door without paying, because I thought I was just running in to pick up the order, but it took forEVER. The interior was made up of wall-to-wall black marble with little portholes that had lighted pictures of what could either have been a rockscape or cancer cells. Even though there were no patrons, they had about 50 people working there, including two people just to open the door. It reminded me of a restaurant version of the Gap or something, because every staff person that walked by me would smile a dimply smile and say hello, making sure I had been helped. Every 90 seconds another staff person would say they were checking on my order. All personnel were dressed entirely in black, were all young, gorgeous and oozing of overt sexuality. The female employees were all wearing low cut tops, short tight skirts and high heels. I felt a tad out of place in my lime green pants with a peanut butter smudge above the knee.
They offered me a free beverage of raspberry juice and 7up while I waited, which would have been perfect if it had a little vodka in it, too. Finally my order was ready and a team of beautiful staff members brought it out. Since it was now pouring down rain, they grabbed a few umbrellas and we all huddled out to my illegally parked vehicle. While I was speaking to the girl holding one of the umbrellas, I got a full view of her generous cleavage. I did not mean to look, but like road kill, I just could not help it!