CAPTAIN CORELLI’S BALD HEAD
1:49 p.m. on January 29, 2007

It is time to talk about Nicolas Cage’s hair.

He started off funky fresh early in his career when he played the Punk kid in the movie Valley Girl in the 80’s. He had fucked up hair and fucked up teeth and was pretty charming.


I really liked him as an actor back then, when he would take risks and do more interesting performances. One of my favorite early movies that featured Cage was Vampire’s Kiss, where he plays a man who thinks he is a vampire and goes around killing people while wearing fake plastic Dracula teeth. He even ate a live cockroach for that film.

My most favorite film of his will always be Birdy, where he helps his friend who has come home from the Vietnam War. His friend returns so shattered that he thinks he is a bird. It is a great film and a wonderful performance. Plus, he is pretty sexy in it.

Soon after this film, Cage succumbed to Hollywood pressures and got his teeth fixed; covered with too white, too straight veneers.

As Cage began making more questionable film choices that were clearly for the paycheck (ahem…Gone in Sixty Seconds…cough cough) he paid the karmic price with his hair follicles sending him toward the path of premature balding. The worst of it is, he does not bald with dignity, but insists on trying to hide it by wearing horrendous looking toupees’.

He sort of redeemed himself for the film Adaptation, which was a great flick where he wore a severely un-sexy wig.

I cannot help but be annoyed by his appearance in his most recent movie. In the World Trade Center film based on true events, he plays a real person who is actually bald in real life. This was Nick’s chance to show the world how secure he is in himself by showing us his shiny noggin once and for all, vanity-be-damned! Instead he let’s me down and again dons the horrendous toupee.

Sadly, it gets worse. In his next film based on a comic book hero he is far too old to play, he tries to youth it up by wearing a wig befitting only of a teenager in an emo band.

Tsk tsk, Mr. Cage. Tsk tsk.






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