I WAS NEVER VERY GOOD AT TAKING TESTS
2:57 p.m. on August 16, 2007

I decided this long test for gestational diabetes is just a fucked up torture device for pregnant ladies. You have to fast the night before and cannot eat all morning, for the duration of the 3 hour test. This is simply not cool when you have a creature that stretches 15 inches across the inside of your abdomen and gets angry when hes hungry & will kick you in the guts.

I was already feeling kind of fragile when I got to the lab. I was greeted by a sweet yet gruff Russian receptionist. She gave me a cup and said they needed some pee from me before we started the test. I did not know I would need to give pee and did not have any yet to give. She pleaded with me to try, but I told her I would need to wait a few minutes at least, and for some reason I almost started to cry.

I was finally able to give them a few drops and then the testing promptly began.

They took the first of four blood draws and then I was to get another one every hour for 3 hours. My left arm usually has trouble producing a vein, but the right arm is always the champ. Trouble was whoever took my blood 2 days earlier left that vein all bruised and bunged up. We used it anyway, pain be damned. I was then to immediately guzzle the weird jar full of the glucose concoction that was made up of twice the sugar as the one I had to drink a few days earlier. This one tasted like the undiluted syrup for 7up without the fizz.

The nurse said she would see me an in an hour. I thought about taking a walk, but I immediately did not feel well, so I opted to sit still in the waiting area to read my book. The book I brought was a poor choice. It was The Brief History of the Dead: A novel by Kevin Brockmeier. It was like reading one long dream about the people who are in between life and death, kept there as long as anyone on earth had a memory of them. Trouble was that everyone on earth was dying off due to a deadly virus.

After about 40 minutes into the waiting game, the sick feeling in my body got worse. I suddenly got hot all over and my brain began to buzz. My vision blurred, my ears rang and I literally felt a pulsating wave throughout my whole body. I was very close to fainting, but the feeling passed just enough for me to run to the bathroom and projectile vomit day glow yellow liquid all over the bathroom wall. The other 40 heaves made it into and around the toilet. Thank god there was a handicap bar to hold on to or I would have fallen down, but unfortunately I could not hold myself up and hold my hair at the same time.

After vomiting up the entire bottle of glucose, I felt instantly better, but knew this could not be good. I cleaned up the wall and toilet and moseyed back to the reception area. The woman behind the desk barked that it was not time yet and to sit back down. I stood there silently until she noticed my sweaty face and blood shot eyes. She asked if I had a question and I asked if it matter if I just barfed. Yes. Yes it mattered. The test was stopped then and there and I was sent home.

I am waiting to hear what the next step is. My guess is we will assume I have Gestational diabetes, because I sure do not have glucose tolerance!





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