CHUNKS AND CRUMBS
1:02 p.m. on September 07, 2007


1. In our second birthing class, we saw the video of the live vaginal birth. I thought I had seen a video like this before, but was not prepared for so much vagina. The grand finale was a butt naked woman, all breasts and vagina with a whole baby coming out. Beautiful, yes, if you tweak that to define the miracle of nature, and not something that is nice to look at. I am hoping to be a little more covered up when my time comes. I was going to post a photo of a live human vaginal birth, but I just canít do it.

2. If I had a dog that was a Chow breed, I would name it Bella. Get it? Chow Bella?

3. At first I did not like my nutritionist at all. She looked barely out of high school and confessed to me she was brand new. The information she gave me was stunted at a time when I really needed the whole story. I felt she really was not listening to me. I had a lot of questions for our second meeting and was all ready on the defensive before we even sat down to talk. Then I noticed she had hearing aids in both ears and I instantly softened. It was not that I felt sorry for her; it was that I related and I felt more comfortable. My mom was profoundly hard of hearing and wore aids in both ears; she was deaf without them. I felt I suddenly knew how to talk with this girl and understood some of her communication methods. She needed to read lips like my Mom, so I made sure to look her in the face and enunciate as best I could. I knew not to talk when she was turned searching in the back cabinets. She had the same style of listening as my Mom. As soon as she heard a key word, she would decide she knew what I was talking about and look away (and basically stop listening) so she could focus on this one issue. I still did not forgive her the lack of information she initially gave me, but I left this time with a much better understanding about a lot of things.

4. I should have known my blood pressure was on the rise as I have been so mean and hateful lately. I curse the tailgaters with a frothy vengeance and am worse with the slow drivers ahead of me, never mind the ugly pedestrians that make turning onto any downtown street practically impossible. My office building is filled with white men in suits, and I am suddenly extremely intolerant. If I get in an elevator with a few of them, I frown and scowl and black smoke pours out the top of my head. They never notice, because they are always too busy talking to each other about their new beemer or their plans for a tropical vacation or the Gleason merger. Yes, I know some of them are just like me, trying to get by in life, but I am going to pre-judge them anyway, at least while I have an excuse of hypertension.

5. Whatever my breasts are doing to gear up for becoming meal machines, I donít like it.





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