Right now Iím sitting in a fog at work, where things are happening around me and I donít seem to be a part of any of it. By the way, Iím MARZIPAN from Sydney (Cronulla, actually), and this is the first time Iíve ever been offered the chance to write a guest entry in someone elseís diary (as opposed to a guest entry in my own diary, which might come across as a little desperate). Naturally I jumped at the chance to show up in cloudyís diary and write my own special little piece, and then once my boss told me to stop jumping in the office, I realised that I was a little stuck for material anyway.
I did sit down a few minutes ago and draw a quick picture of the future, though:
Youíll notice itís a bit blurred. I know art isnít art if you have to explain it, but Iím quite prepared to face the fact that this really isnít art. So the basic idea behind it is: the past, the present and the future all have a few things in common Ė life, death, creation, destruction, love and hate. Other than that, itís all a bit unclear.
I guess I should have just drawn a flying robot or something.
(Later that night Ö)
*Plops down onto on a couch*
So. I noticed some house rules posted on the door as I wandered in here Ö sorry cloudy, I think I walked some mud on your carpet. Uhm, letís see Ė no unnecessary noise after 10PM, no problem there; please turn the lights off when you leave a room Ė no worries; beware the dog Ė crap, thereís a dog in here? *Stands up* Oh Ö Iím sure heís fine. What elseÖ oh, guests are kindly asked to write about a defining moment in their lives.
Tough one. Hey cloudy, Iím just going to get myself some icecream from your freezer before I start this.
OK, defining moments. I donít really live my life by defining moments Ė it just doesnít seem to happen that way. I seem to go more by slow realisations about myself, as I find myself repeatedly behaving in certain ways, or reacting predictably to certain situations. Over the last couple of years I think Iíve learned a lot about myself.
Iíve learned that I donít deal very well with the idea of change sometimes. Just because itís unknown to me. I get all comfy in my little rut and when someone starts meddling with it, I can get a bit prickly without even knowing why.
Iíve learned that whilst Iím no precious princess, Iíve been getting my own way most of my life. I didnít really realise that either until I started going out with Daniel, who sometimes does things differently from me Ö and is not the sort to back down just because Iím a girl. I wasnít aware that I was a bit spoilt until then.
Iíve learned that I can be quick to judge.
Iíve learned that I donít have the confidence to boss other people around. This is the only real ďdefining momentĒ I can think of in my life. I was about ten years old, and I was hanging around with my best friend at the time (how things have changed Ė we lost contact and she was sent off to visit her family in Lebanon and meet her husband, and is now an obedient housewife). We were deciding what to do, what game to play, where to go, and she suggested somethingorother, and I said Ė I donít know, maybe something like ďhey, we should go and play handball at your placeĒ. And I stood up and made to leave. I didnít get very far before she put her hands on her hips and said: ďhow come we always have to do what you want to do?Ē
That really struck me at the time. I was always the bossy one and I didnít even know it. Hearing that made me feel really bad, and after that I was a lot more conscious of it. I guess that was around the age that kids stopped being just kids and started deciding who was cool and who wasnít, and I was slipping down onto the wrong side of ďcoolĒ and into ďdorkyĒ anyway. My awareness of that, combined with my newfound awareness that Iíd been pretty bossy in the past, pretty much guaranteed that I didnít have the self-confidence to stand up for myself for most of my teen years. Not that I was a complete loser who got picked on in high school (thank God Ė I would never have coped), but I automatically felt a little intimidated by the popular kids, no matter what they thought of me. I wish I hadnít been so shy, because looking back, they really werenít that scary.
I guess another set of defining moments, which would take more time than theyíre worth to share, made me realise that people are surprisingly accepting of dorks, and in fact often respect someone whose tastes are a little unusual. If you donít try to hide who you are, people wonít think you have something to be ashamed of.
Well, enough of my late-night philosophy. The House Rules mention a childhood story, so hereís a story about my childhood that my mother used to delight in sharing with people who hardly knew me. I donít remember it actually happening, but heck, itís a good tale.
I might have been four years old. I started complaining of a tummy ache, which worsened and worsened still more, until I was clutching my stomach and wailing in what sounded like sheer agony. Eventually mum started to get really worried, and not having a car at the time, she called a cab to take me to the hospital. So off we went, in a cab to the hospital. She took me in, and spoke to the lady behind the desk, and we were waiting for a doctor to see me.
And then, all of a sudden, I farted. Loudly.
With a sneaking suspicion, mum looked at me and said, ďfeeling better, Martina?Ē I nodded. Turned out there was nothing wrong with me or my stomach. I just had gas.
She took me home in a cab, and thereafter Ė as a result of the cab fare Ė the incident was referred to as the ď$20 fartĒ.
What else was on that list of things to doÖ oh, a photograph that summarises my whole life. Wow, I donít think I have one of those, and no access to a camera right now. Hang on, Iíll have a look through some of the photos Iíve posted in my diary in the past. I donít really have *one* photo in this little collection that summarises it allÖMy life is a bit disorganised.Iím never quite ready for real life.I find the little things funny, leaving those around me mystified.
But most importantly of all is this photo:My life and my home, all in one photo.
Iím getting really comfy on this couch of yours by the way, cloudy. Itís making me sleepy. Oh, I need a fiction that involves both of us. Well, this one time, at band campÖ
Ö I wrote this really awesome and interesting entry for cloudyís online diary.
Thatís a pretty impressive fiction. Hey, would you look at the time! Iíve got to get going. Nice to meet you all; I might see you round. Sorry for sitting on your dog, cloudy. Oh and by the way, you might want to get yourself some more icecream.