SPECIMEN
4:12 p.m. on February 01, 2007

When talking to a fertility specialist, is it OK to refer to having sex as “Doing It”?

I had my first appointment yesterday & I dorked out by showing up an hour early. In my nervousness, I had written the time down wrong, so I had to kill time in a coffee shop which cost me an extra $20 in lunch, tip & parking fees. What Ev.

I had to answer the gambit of personal questions with the nurse & then I met my doctor, the woman who is going to change my life. I was not too impressed at first. I almost came to blows with her over all the medical jargon she was spewing out. On an important test taken with my general practitioner where we were given thumbs up, she was giving me thumbs down and explaining herself very poorly. This was seriously aggravating and made me hate my GP and this lady. I mean, here we were, humping along like everything is all hunky dory, when that was not actually the case and the specialist was telling me the news in a foreign language. It is just a bump in the road that will hopefully prove to be minor, but depressing just the same.

A big problem is that I am old and don’t have time to goof around. This sad fact is made all the more harsh by the realization that Monday is my birthday. The second the clock strikes twelve my chances drop another 5%.

Anyway, after she gave me a full on biology lesson she wanted to take a peek at my ovaries. She said she was going to take an ultra sound, so I was surprised when she asked me to drop my pants. I was even more surprised when she slipped an actual condom onto a probe-like device. This was a vaginal ultrasound. Oh. She had a look around and said: “MEH”, with a hand gesture that implied “middle-of-the-road”.

I need to get one more painful test where they light up my innards like a Christmas tree to get a better look at my tubes and what not. If all looks good from there, then I will be inseminated. It would happen this month, but I will be out of town for a crucial test in the beginning stages, so looks like March is the month I get together with medical science to conceive my love child.






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